Agoraphobia

Jonathan Valania

December 23rd, 2024


One month since you left.

The air feels final—cold,

lonely, afraid.

I breathe it in.


Every.

Single.

Night.


I stepped outside tonight

Not for work,

Just to see if I could.

Thought I could be normal.

Thought I could handle

a grocery store

without checking every aisle

for a voice that might sound like yours.


I usually get them delivered.

It’s safer—

Safer than risking

your reflection in someone else’s eyes.


We have a Christmas party at work.

Last month we were planning Christmas—

gifts, parties, logistics.

Now you can’t even legally be in the same room as me.


It’s surreal.

A fever dream.

Pinch me.

Wake me up.

This wasn’t the plan.


But here’s the truth—

I think I’m happy now.

And I hate admitting that.

But the relief…

is sweeter

than the pain

of always being rejected.

 

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