Letters I’ll Never Send (to My Younger Self)

Jonathan Valania

You’ll think love means proving your worth.

You’ll mistake her rage for passion,

her control for concern,

her silence for sadness.

It’s not.

It never was.


She will say,

“No one else would ever love you like I do.”

You’ll believe her.

You’ll carry that lie like scripture,

tattooed into your spine —

until it cracks.


You’ll ignore the first slap,

excuse the first insult,

call it stress, hormones, trauma.

You’ll become fluent in rationalization,

because it’s easier than accepting the truth:

you’re being hurt.


You’ll think you’re the villain —

maybe you raised your voice.

Maybe you forgot to say “thank you.”

Maybe you were too tired.

Maybe you are hard to love.


But no matter how many ways

you twist your body to fit her shape,

you’ll never be enough for someone

who needs you to be small.


You’ll keep trying.

You’ll hold her when she cries

over the men she cheated with.

You’ll apologize for her betrayal.

You’ll clean the mess,

hide the bruises,

lie to your friends.

They’ll stop calling.

You’ll tell yourself they’re just busy.


You’ll stay —

not because you’re weak,

but because you were never taught

that leaving was an option.

That safety is your right,

not a reward for being good enough.


But one day —

you will leave.

Your legs will shake.

You’ll go to the police quietly,

tell the kids, mom is just on a trip.

Your voice will crack

as you tell her you’re done.

And she will scream.

Like always.

But this time,

you won’t flinch.


You’ll learn that love

should never make you afraid.

That a home

shouldn’t echo with threats.

That peace

isn’t something you earn.

It’s something you deserve.

And years from now,

you’ll write this letter

to the boy who still thinks

he has to save her

to be worth saving.


You don’t.

You never did.

You are already enough.

 

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Letters I'll Never Send

It started with evidence—court documents, voicemails, and text messages meant to prove what was done behind closed doors. But somewhere in the quiet aftermath, it became something else. A record. A release. A slow, sacred beginning.

Letters I’ll Never Send is a poetry and prose collection drawn from the wreckage of an abusive relationship. These pages hold what was never safe to say out loud—fury, sorrow, confusion, love twisted by fear. It’s not a story wrapped in resolution. It’s what healing sounds like when you’re still in the middle.

The print edition includes exclusive poems and reflections not found online. A portion of proceeds goes toward supporting survivors of domestic abuse.

This book isn’t just for the ones who escaped.

It’s for anyone learning how to live after.