Part I · Illusion
I Wasn't Waiting to Fail
June 2019
I didn’t go into this
waiting for it to fall apart.
I wasn’t planning an exit.
I was all in—
every broken, hopeful piece of me.
I learned your love language.
Took the blame.
Prayed over it.
Prayed over you.
Bent myself into your shape
and called it faithfulness.
I wasn’t keeping score.
I wasn’t looking for flaws.
If anything,
I looked past them—
again and again,
until I couldn’t see myself anymore.
I didn’t expect perfect.
Just not to be punished
for loving wrong,
for not reading your mind,
for needing space.
I wasn’t waiting for failure.
But it still came—
loud sometimes,
quiet others.
In slammed drawers.
In sideways glances.
In silence,
used like a leash.
And still,
I stayed.
Not because I didn’t want to leave,
but because I thought leaving
meant quitting.
And quitting
meant I hadn’t tried hard enough.
But I did try.
God, I tried.
Failure didn’t come
because I was waiting for it.
It came
because I stayed too long
trying to prevent it.