Part III · Exposure
Agoraphobia
December 23rd, 2024
One month since you left.
The air feels final—cold,
lonely, afraid.
I breathe it in.
Every.
Single.
Night.
I stepped outside tonight
Not for work,
Just to see if I could.
Thought I could be normal.
Thought I could handle
a grocery store
without checking every aisle
for a voice that might sound like yours.
I usually get them delivered.
It’s safer—
Safer than risking
your reflection in someone else’s eyes.
We have a Christmas party at work.
Last month we were planning Christmas—
gifts, parties, logistics.
Now you can’t even legally be in the same room as me.
It’s surreal.
A fever dream.
Pinch me.
Wake me up.
This wasn’t the plan.
But here’s the truth—
I think I’m happy now.
And I hate admitting that.
But the relief…
is sweeter
than the pain
of always being rejected.