Part IV · Fallout

Testimony

May 6th, 2025 12:50 pm My palms won’t stop sweating. Hands shaking, convulsing. Is it the nicotine withdrawals? Or just nerves? I don’t fucking know. Phone. Wallet. Keys. In the bucket. Watch across my chest. Step through the metal detector. Exhale. Maybe that will build my confidence. 12:55 pm Pre-trial. “Just be honest. Tell the truth. You have nothing to hide. You didn’t do anything wrong.” But if I tell the truth, I’ll upset you. 1:00 pm Waiting in the lobby. Still shaking. A security guard walks past. Smells like smoke. He offers me peace. Thirty minutes until they call my name. 1:05 pm Slow, steady drags. Trying to leave my head. My body still won’t stop. 1:10 pm Basking in sunlight, doing anything I can to avoid today. But I don’t get to choose. 1:20 pm Voir Dire. The jury’s selected. The rest are dismissed. I lock eyes with them. They smile. I wish I knew what that felt like. 1:30 pm They’re calling me any minute. The waiting— the suspense— boils over. 1:35 pm Still waiting. The arresting officer is here. I wonder if he remembers that night. When I cried at the station, and he— he took you away. 1:36 pm “Wake me when they’re ready.” I try to sleep in my thoughts. Replaying every highlight from my deposition. I close my eyes. Click my heels. But I’m still here. 2:30 pm “Jonathan— they’re ready for you.” K. smiles. She’s a saint. Like St. Christopher— safe passage for survivors. I walk through the door. The room is almost empty. But every eye follows me. Including hers. Staring with daggers. She’s angry I showed up. But I didn’t have a choice. 2:31 pm “Please raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” I cough. Something always catches in my throat when I speak about you. “I do, Your Honor.” May 7th, 2025 – 2:23 pm “Hey Jon, It’s K. Just wanted to let you know— they found her guilty.” That was the first time my hands stopped shaking in six months.